Defining ground rules in your own home is one thing. You know what works, what does not, and after all, at your house, you’re the one in charge.
Then, your child spends time at dad’s house. Over there, the ground rules may be completely different.
You might find yourself wondering, “Do the rules need to be the same?” “Am I too strict?” “Will my child hate me for enforcing these limits?” “How can I maintain this limit while my ex doesn’t?”
If you’ve found yourself asking any of these questions, you’re not alone. Differences between two homes open up a whole host of questions for parents.
So, how do you work with your ex to find a happy balance between your two homes and your child’s ground rules?
Working With Your Ex to Set Limits
Your ex may have an entirely different perspective on everything from what constitutes a healthy meal, to what is an appropriate amount of time to spend on homework.
Listen
Create a foundation of listening between yourself and your ex. Show your ex that you are genuinely curious and respectful about his perspective.
By setting the standard of respectful listening, your ex is likely to listen in return. Even better, you may get valuable information and ideas by simply giving your ex space to express his opinion.
Focus
Remember to keep the focus on your child. Setting limits is not about what works for you, or what makes your life more convenient. It’s about your child’s health and happiness.
Keeping the focus on your child’s well being will allow you to steer clear of your personal differences, and discuss something you both care deeply about.
Stand Firm
If there are limits that feel important to you, then stand firm about them. While you can’t control your ex’s parenting style, remember that you are still in charge at your house.
It’s okay to stand your ground - whether it’s about a curfew time for your teenager, or a dessert rule for your middle schooler. If the limits you and your ex set are different - that’s okay. Children are resilient, and they will adapt to contrasting rules between your two homes.
Providing a Sense of Structure
Remember, “...limits are the structure,” says an article in Empowering Parents, and “...parental limits give kids a sense of security.”
As your child transitions from your home to your ex’s home - having limits will help maintain a sense of structure, predictability, and safety.
Remember though, children are resilient. If limits vary between two homes, your child will adapt. Work alongside your ex to set healthy limits for your child, and give your child a sense of security and peace.
Summary of Parts I and III: Part one of this series talks about ways to create and enforce limits that actually work, and part three discusses how to build limits that evolve as your child develops.
