As parents, we often set limits for our little ones on the fly by saying things like, “no, you can’t eat that handful of dirt,” and “unfortunately, we don’t have space for twin parakeets in our apartment,”
These are the kinds of things we find ourselves saying daily.
And yet, being a mom is also about setting consistent ground rules that define - not just your off-the-cuff desire for a bird-free home - but our children’s lifestyle, boundaries, and outlook on the world.
“Kids need boundaries and limits to feel safe,” points out an article in The Huffington Post.
So, how can you set boundaries that help your kid find a sense of structure, security, and safety?
The Secret to Setting Boundaries that Actually Work
Here are some important steps to take when you are setting limits for your child.
Be Clear
Eloquently communicate the limits you are setting. The first time you communicate these limits, share the reason behind them. After that first time, you no longer need to communicate the reason, simply remind your child of the structure in place.
Don’t Ask Questions
Avoid ending your statement with “okay?” or “is that alright?” You decide the limits you set, and they are there for a reason. Questions will only leave doubt in your child’s mind, make space for negotiations, and undermine your authority.
Get on the Same Level
You tower over your small child. If you are enforcing boundaries with a little one, kneel down so that you are face to face. This will help your child hear and process the information you are sharing.
Make Space for Feelings
Your child may be upset, disappointed, or angry. Remember that these emotions are healthy. Expect feelings to come up, listen actively when your child shares their perspective, and stand firm to the limits you are setting.
Think Limits in the Long-Term
Limits are about creating a lasting structure in which your child can safely thrive. Remember that you’re creating these limits for the long-term, and that at first, your child may forget the limits, push boundaries, or question the structure.
“To be a limit setter is to decide what a healthy, safe environment is and then be willing to enforce it,” says an article in Empowering Parents.
Be consistent, kind, and firm, and your child will thrive within the structure you create.
Summary of Article II and III: Article two of this series will talk about how to work with your ex to set limits across two homes, and part three will discuss how to set limits that evolve as your child grows.
