There is almost nothing more frustrating than being locked in a disagreement with the other parent of your child.
You’re likely arguing about something you’re extremely passionate about, the stakes are high, and sometimes a resolution seems miles away.
And yet, by implementing some simple techniques, you and your co-parent can unlock possibilities, come to agreements, and resolve conflict in a way that’s peaceful, easy, and productive.
Shifting Your Focus. Practicing Your Process.
“When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own compassion,” said Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Nonviolent Communication.
So, how can you shift your focus? How can you use a practice that doesn’t fuel the fire of hurt, but actually moves you both towards a place of understanding?
Here’s are four simple steps to take when resolving conflict, based on the practice of Nonviolent Communication.
Observe
First, take a step back and look at the situation. Observe what is actually happening. Has your co-parent has been late to pick up your child three days in a row. If so, how late has he been? A few minutes? An hour? Take note of the facts and specifics without emotion.
Articulate
Now, articulate that situation without introducing any judgement or evaluation - simply saying what is happening that you either like or don’t like. This articulation won’t include any emotion - it is simply be a statement of the facts.
“I noticed that you arrived thirty minutes after our agreed time to pick up Ed.”
Express
Next express how you feel when you observe this action. What emotions are you feeling when your co-parent is late? Do you feel worried, stressed, or angry? Do you feel anxious or sad? Be clear about the emotion you feel.
“When you arrive thirty minutes after the agreed time, I start to feel anxious.”
Request
Now, say what needs are connected to the feelings you have identified. Would you like your co-parent to be on-time in the future? Or, would you like your co-parent to simply call you if he will be late? Be clear about what would make this situation better for you.
“Do you think you could arrive at the time you specified? Or, if you will be late, could you call me ahead so that I know?”
Giving & Receiving
This process is a give and take. Your co-parent will likely have his or her own observations and requests regarding your situation. Be mindful to receive information from your co-parent openly and gracefully.
By making observations before you speak, articulating the situation without emotion, expressing your feelings clearly, and making simple, straightforward requests - you and your co-parent may feel less vulnerable, more heard, and find a common ground on which to communicate about disagreements, situations, and issues.
Summary of Part I and III: Part one of this series looks at how to get in the right mindset for conflict resolution, and part three discusses methods to use to support your conflict resolution process.
