If you recently experienced a divorce or separation, then you likely know all about conflict. And if you also have kids, that conflict may be even more complicated and energy-consuming.
Of course, as one Huffington Post article points out, “conflict is a normal and natural aspect of relationships,”
From your relationships with family and friends, to your relationships with co-workers - conflict is natural and to be expected. And it’s certainly a normal part of co-parenting relationships.
The good news? Conflict doesn’t mean either of you is doing a bad job, that you’re doomed to fail, or that you shouldn’t co-parent.
Co-parents - almost without exception - experience conflict.
And conflict - contrary to being a bad thing - is an opportunity for progress. When managed effectively, conflict can give you information about a situation, so that you can come to effective resolutions that benefit everyone involved.
Of course, when you experience conflict, it can be easy to get locked into a mindset of anger, hurt, and anxiety. And letting those emotions control your actions is never helpful in coming to a resolution.
Let’s take a look at some ways to gently alter your mindset - so you can move forward free from negative emotions, and focus on resolving the issues at hand.
Managing Your Mindset
Here are a few ways to get back on track and feel more grounded - the first step in resolving conflict.
Breathe Deep & Step Back
Feelings of anger, frustration, and hurt are healthy and normal. But being in the heat of anger is never an effective time to resolve a disagreement. Before you respond to a comment, address an issue, or talk to your co-parent on the phone; take some deep, grounding breaths.
If you’re in a conversation and start feeling heated - give yourself time to take a break. Go outside, get off the phone, and come back when you’re feeling calmer.
Own Your Feelings - They Belong to You!
Your feelings are yours. That’s right - they belong to you! You can’t be responsible for your co-parent feeling bummed out on the nights your child sleeps at your house, and likewise, your co-parent isn’t responsible for your feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, or even gratitude.
Take ownership of your own emotions, and you’ll immediately feel a sense of freedom. By allowing someone else to make you feel a certain way, you give away your power. By accepting responsibility for your emotions - the power is yours.
Recognize “Who’s Right” Thinking
Ever heard yourself arguing that you are right? Ever fight tooth and nail for your side, or defend your opinion? Or, have you ever felt absolutely certain that your feelings are the most important?
Here’s the big secret. Trying to determine “who’s right” when you’re co-parenting is simply a dead-end street. You both have valid perspectives, and it’s only when you can see each others’ viewpoints with compassion that you will begin to make progress.
Getting in the Zone
By approaching co-parenting with a calm, clear, level-headed mindset, you set a healthy tone for communication and resolution. Breathe deep and take breaks when you need them, take responsibility for your emotions, and recognize “who’s right” thinking when it occurs.
Remember, it takes practice to effectively manage your mindset, so give yourself and your co-parent time to hone in on an effective conflict-resolution style that works for you both.
Summary of Parts II and III: In part two of this series, we’ll look at process of nonviolent communication to help resolve conflict, and in part three, we’ll talk about methods that will support your conflict resolution process.
